day 289: drawing it out
Frankly I’m so excited about the news, I intentionally delayed the pictures of the little bean.
This was our first glimpse at seven weeks.
The little bean was 2.5 cm long and had a heartbeat of 171 bpm. And had little tiny balls for arms and legs! So cute. Then, last week, we got to see so much growth! No new measurements but the scale is the same, and we got to see a wave hello :)
Before these, I never knew up from down in a sonogram picture. I always found them off-kilter, trying to make out a baby shape but never honestly able to say “I see!”
It’s completely different for these snapshots. I draw in my minds eye the profile, a sweet curve of the mouth, tiny round belly and maybe even hands clenched and toes curled. I lose hours studying these pictures.
A asked a really important question just now: who will take care of the little bean? I’ve been living in a fantasy where summer lasts forever. The start of the semester was a fuzzy thing that wouldn’t actually come about. If I had to find a solution I’d imagine my classes would all be at night and A could take care of bean after work while I was away. That way we’d be covered and our little one would be safe and sound every hour of every day.
Selfishly, I wish I could just stay at home with bean and boom and be a full-time momma. That always seemed “right” to me. But if I can’t even quit a low-paying job I don’t like for a low-paying job I might like what does that say about my strength of character, particularly when it comes to trusting my gut? Graduate school will certainly be less crazy than medical school, and I’ll definitely enjoy it more than the traditional 9 to 5. But I know deep down that I really want those first years with my baby, I don’t want to let someone else do what I should be doing: teaching, loving, and simply being there.
Honestly, being a great mom is all I want to be.