quick thoughts on a life changed

well hello there interwebzzz

IMG_3932While doing banded squats and singing Raffi to my sweet six-week-old boy in an attempt to ward off his hysterical cries, I realize how entirely silly my life had been prior to bean’s arrival.

This…this exhausting, consuming, vexing, bewildering love…this is real.

All those resume-able ambitions and material pursuits seem wasted time, years spent looking in the mud for diamonds while the sunshine gleamed rainbows from above. My guilt over my failures and derelictions is squalor, buds of thought squandered on barren land.

Not that my life was completely absent of joy. I found it in the ocean, glinting off the waves as I learned their shape and song. I played with it when I sang and danced on stage, when I practiced piano day and night and night and day, when music was my philosophy and religion. I walked it on those early Oxford mornings, trekking the city parks and cobblestones from sunrise to church to class to sunset. I wrote it as I composed my thesis, as I scratched out mistake after mistake in optics and topology, as I was trapped in that paradoxical quantum-mechanical box. I exalt in it when I am weighed down by ever-heavier weights, feeling lighter with every extra kilo on that iron bar.

I feel joy in my dad’s smile, in my mom’s persistence, in my big brother’s hugs, in my sister’s wit, in my little brother’s unflappable innocence. I feel joy in my husband’s touch, in his glance, in those moments he listens and in the chances he takes, in the way he makes me laugh. I feel joy when I watch him read, when I watch his happiness, when I watch him be a great poppa, when I watch him live.

I have had a joyful life, but I focused on the wrong things and was dissatisfied. This little bean has replaced my lenses, and the world has become a Kandinsky of color and whimsy. The joyous times, though of short span in my young life, are in relief. Suddenly my life is beautiful.

I deemed this year my year of living: what life bean has brought to my life! These days, so unassuming, inscrutable from one to the next, are filled with such love and confusion it seems that I am wholly these. Love, my action; confusion, my state.

I know I cannot begin to imagine the brilliance of my future. I can hardly believe the magic of my present.

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